just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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