Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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