I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize