theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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