Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
