And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
