So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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