im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
