I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
