just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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