you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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