I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
