Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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