your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
