Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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