Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
