woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
