Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
