you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
