A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
