Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
