keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
