You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
