Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize