doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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