I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
