wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I enjoy the company of your penis
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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