i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
