i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
