it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
