Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
