I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
