I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
