:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
