I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
