You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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