either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
