It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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