it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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