I think my fart just growled at me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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