Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
