what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
