my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No subtext here. People are naked.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
