I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
