I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize