i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
