Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
