im drinking this country out of the recession.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
