I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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