Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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