On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
