I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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