my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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