We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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