Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Can I color on your dick again?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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