I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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